Why I hate the question, “What are you looking for in a sub?”

diary–of–a–domme:

Now, I’m not trying to be mean here. I completely understand why someone would ask that. But in my mind, it’s almost impossible to even answer. 

See. I don’t do this whole Domme thing for fun or kicks. I mean I do, but it’s not just some casual hobby of mine. This is me, 24/7. I’m not an actress. This is my life. 

If and when I chose a submissive, I will want to be able to consider them almost as an extension of myself. With the power differential of a D/s relationship, and my taking of power, willingly and graciously, from my submissive.

Trust and love come hand in hand. And with this sort of relationship, I would expect to fall in love with my submissive. I could never have a sub, casually or with a NSA or FWB kind of situation. It’s all or nothing with me. 

So to create a list of things my sub must and must not be, would be impossible. When I am looking for my sub, I just look for someone I can be myself with, who is a good friend. We have to create the foundation for this to sit on. I can’t just say, they have to be x, y, and z, and never do a, b, and c. When you love someone, you love them for their good parts and their faults. 

Because I’ve had relationships where suddenly, the person doesn’t want this thing anymore, and I do understand that people are just humans and minds change. But in these relationships, we never worked on the foundation first. We just jumped into the fun stuff. So when they left, I was holding onto that power like a comfort blanket. And to have that ripped from me, was devastating. 

Working on the foundation, we establish trust, communication, what each person wants and needs, time schedules, inside jokes, and happiness, and from there, the love grows and blooms. 

And even then, I don’t consider a person as my sub until we’ve scened at least once. In our first scene, I am able to see if we truly are compatible. 

So, I know it looks like a lot, and it is. And I have every right to live my life the way I want. And I understand that having these sorts of standards minimizes the pool of suitors to minuscule amounts. But I know that there is someone out there, somewhere in this world, who wants the same things as me. And I’m willing to wait as long as it takes.