cannibalcoalition:

baronessbamf:

To fill the void of not being able to get a cat I’ve been thinking about getting a succulent. Any tips on how to raise little green child?

Hockpock summoned me. 

The short version?

Don’t fuck with it. 

The long version:

You have to remember that this is a desert plant. 

Literally, the worst thing you could do is water it too much. For watering, spray it with a spray bottle once a week, if that. If you’re in a humid climate like I am, you don’t even need to water them that much. Do not put them outside if it rains often. 

They like sun, but are more or less fine in indirect sun. Direct sun will encourage sprouting. Indirect sun will encourage etiolation, which is when they start growing upwards to find sunlight. Etiolation will give you weaker stems, smaller leaves. 

Water them less when the weather gets colder. They will store water in their leaves in colder weather and overwatering will result in root rot. 

If your baby’s leaves are mushy-looking, then they have been overwatered. Water damage will start from the bottom leaves and this cannot be reversed. However, you can take the healthy top leaves and start a new plant from them. 

I have many. 

So basically, don’t fuck with it. But if you do fuck it up, it’s not like… the entire end of your green babby- you can make more babbies. 

Additional advice: 

Don’t put too much energy into identifying a mystery succulent. They hybrid very easily and there are several names for the same goddamn plant. Just name name it Newton. Newton’s a great name for a plant.